MAYO-Naised and Confused
Plus: The DOJ sues 15 judges, Jill Biden’s strongman bails on testifying before congress & Chicago is evolving a race of super rodents.
MAGA is now the party of chunky mayo and ice cream that shreds the roof of your mouth, as HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. targets emulsifiers—those culinary workhorses like egg yolks (and sesquipedalian ones like carboxymethylcellulose) that keep your food silky-smooth and spreadable, according to The Atlantic.
The White House published a MAHA report (remember the one full of fake academic citations?) cited emulsifiers as “Food substances of no culinary use,” and The Atlantic dug in. The MAHA report makes no mention of banning mustard (used in salad dressings), egg yolks (mayo and ice cream), or soy lecithin (an all-purpose one that makes oil and water blend), but it also doesn’t specify how far it will go in enforcing certain ingredients or additives.
To be fair, lots of food producers get a little cheap when it comes to emulsifiers because they keep profit margins high. Perhaps more importantly, mayo made with eggs is harder to make shelf-stable, so a synthetic emulsifier will do the job. Of course, in the broader scientific conversation, some emulsifiers—carboxymethylcellulose and polysorbate 80—consistently get flagged for their detrimental effects on gut health.
While RFK might be relying on fear tactics to Miracle Whip the faithful into a frenzy, it is MAGAnificent to see how the right became the party of hippy-dippy food choices and crunchy milk, and somehow, rock-ribbed (though not ab-ed) conservatives have become the constituency hostile to mayonnaise.
Welcome to the Gist List—a gloopy news roundup, curdling things you should know, and my sludgy thoughts leading up to today’s podcast episode.
Here’s what’s on my mind:
👨🏻⚖️ The DOJ sues ALL of the federal judges in Maryland.
💪 Former FLOTUS strongman called to testify to Congress but bails.
🥛 Your milk carton of water is just as bad for the environment.
👜 Luxury counterfeiters outsmart brands. Consumers don’t care.
🐀 Chicago evolves superrodents.
The Gist List
DOJ Sues All Federal Judges in Maryland Over Deportation Order (Washington Post)
The Justice Department has sued ALL federal district court judges in Maryland over a standing order that delays deportations for 48 hours after a detainee files a legal challenge. At first, I saw the headline and thought, “Really? ALL of them?” And then I looked it up. Not only did they sue ALL 15 judges, they also named the Clerk of the Court. (It’s Jeff by the way*).
The DOJ is claiming that the blanket protection violates Supreme Court precedent when they should be assessing each deportation case individually, which would most certainly turn into a never-ending deluge of cases that would make Kafka proud. Legal experts critiqued the DOJ's move as unprecedented and a direct assault on judicial independence. This is especially surprising because normally, the DOJ represents federal judges, not sues them. To give some context, 13 of the 15 Maryland judges were nominated by Democratic presidents.
*It’s actually Catherine. Jeff is the “better” joke.
Jill Biden's Top Aide Bails on House Investigation in Biden Fitness (Axios)
Anthony Bernal—described in “Original Sin” as “perhaps the most powerful FLOTUS Chief of Staff ever”—appreciated the hedging guys—withdrew from an interview with the House Oversight Committee in Biden’s mental fitness probe after the Trump White House waived executive privilege protections related to his conversations. This means the man also described as Jill Biden’s “work husband” would be compelled to answer questions about private conversations with Biden unless there is a challenge in court.
Last month, when I interviewed Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson in Seattle, I pointed out that this was one of the most important people in the United States for a few years, and he is almost entirely anonymous and unknown to the public.
FUN FACT: If you look up his Wikipedia page, there are only seven sentences. On the other hand, the Wikipedia page for Mankind vs. The Undertaker has 146.
Boxed vs. Bottled: Not All Sustainability Claims Hold Water (Packaging Dive)
You know that boxed water—Boxed Water Is Better—that shows up on every hotel bedside table and in every fancy convenience store? The one that makes you feel, what’s the word… “better,” about not bringing your refillable bottle because it’s supposedly “better” for the environment or something? It came under fire from the National Advertising Division, which found that its claim of being “better than aluminum” wasn’t accurate. They backed up their claims with a lifecycle assessment (on their website, so you know it’s just the facts) showing that it was gentler on the environment than aluminum and single-use plastic bottles. Turns out that only holds up if you're comparing it to plastic bottles, not to aluminum cans.
Which, let’s be honest, I could have told you that. First, the water has both notes of, and primary, secondary and tertiary overtones of microplastics. What else will they coat that box with to keep it from leaking through? Secondly, at this point, I’m sure we are all aware of the propensity of not-quite-what-you-think claims coming out of the green marketing industry. It’s great for business, but not as good for the earth as a slogan emblazoned on the side of a bag of chips would lead you to believe. Lastly, when a product can’t deliver on its claims, but wants to make the claim, it just names itself the claim. See: Nobody beats the Wiz, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific Shampoo, and Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
Luxury Counterfeiters Keep Outsmarting the Makers of $10,000 Handbags (Bloomberg)
Those cheap, knockoff bags you buy in Chinatown are getting better and becoming nearly indistinguishable from the real thing. Marketplaces that sell second-hand luxury goods are wary of the possibility of selling a pair of fake Givenchy shoes for $2500, so they contract with authenticators to triple-check that they aren’t selling a convincing dupe.
But here’s the question: How much do consumers actually care? New counterfeiters often use the same leather and hardware suppliers as legitimate brands. And some fakes are so good that experts can’t tell the difference. At this point, the only thing that makes the price difference would be the tag.
However, with luxury goods are going up in price and down in quality due to offshoring manufacturing (Uyghurs aren’t exactly “hired” for their plaid-matching abilities), and when second-hand Birkin Bags that costs as much as a condo when a first-hand Barkan Bagz does the trick, it seems like the tag might not matter so much to the buyer.
Chicago's Rodents Are Evolving to Handle City Living (Field Museum)
Researchers have discovered that chipmunks and voles in the Chicagoland area have evolved over the past 125 years in response to urbanization, not climate change. Chipmunks are getting bigger skulls and smaller teeth because of all the soft-processed human food they get to eat. Voles develop smaller ear bones (the ones on the eardrum) to dampen out the constant noise of the city.
My favorite part of this article is this photo of researchers Stephanie Smith and Anderson Feijó sorting through chipmunk carcasses. They are, from left to right: Alvin, Alvin, Theodore, Simon, Teddy, Simon, Alvin, Simon, Simon, Theodore and Al.
ICYMI: Ross Barkan on Mamdani & Cuomo
In case you missed it, Ross Barkan was on Substack Live with me a few days ago to discuss the Mayoral primary elections here in New York City. It was a few days before the election, but he did give some good insight into Zohran Mamdani, how he ticks, and whether he thinks he’s an antisemite (spoiler: he doesn’t).
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For some reason I expected Josh Barro to be involved with this post.
My friend from Berkeley says that folks in his area don't think of chipmunks as pests but rather cute aspects of urban life. WRONG. Vermin are vermin or vermin adjacent.